Image by Toby Hudson

I love animals. I love animals with fur and velvety ears and deep brown, adorable eyes. I love rabbits with floppy ears, cats with comforting purrs and horses with strength and grace. I think the whale is terrifyingly beautiful and the kangaroo a hoot but I do not like birds.

Birds seem riddled with disease, lice, sharp beaks and disgusting, runny, white with a lump of black, POO! And sometimes, if you have a mulberry tree, the poo

image by w:User:Evil Monkey

comes out purple… on your white, clean, sparkling sheets! One particularly bad, bad day (it was only 8am) my mind was in a huff. I was trying my darndest not to lose it with the kids, money was tight, my eyeball had exploded with a burst blood vessel due to stress and it was 8am. Not a good combo. One of the last things I had to do before dropping my son at Kindy was to hang the washing out…quick sticks! I sauntered up to the line, my eyelids begging me to close them, my mouth in a tight horizontal line and the mind whirring when, alas and alack there it was! Purple bird poo in my washing basket! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOO! I literally cried. I cried so much, I couldn’t stop crying at my son’s kindy. The teacher had to make me a cuppa and at the end of a day, I received a sympathy card and it was ALL because of a bird!

Birds have beady eyes and foul feathers. Sure, they can look ok but they are

image by JerryFriedman

vengeful creatures. They just love to poo where they love to poo. They dig their creepy claws into your skull when you’re not looking and scare you half to death and then they look at you, tilt their head and peck you on the nose with their beak! Yuck-o-animal-creature.

I understand that there is a food chain and all is important, all have their place and their role and such, but honestly, birds? Pretty some may be but that is all, I’m afraid to say. To the birds that constantly poo on my white sheets, innocently hanging out to dry in the Sprintime sun, I say to you, you are officially off my Christmas card list!