Journey with me on the HMAS Bandwagon. Our course is set for London, a royal wedding, did ya know? Wade through the seas of overexcited and attired journalists vying for that piece of goss that will make them stand out from the rest.

‘They’ tell us it’s a ‘modern wedding, one without ‘Honour and Obey’ (which I thought went out decades ago!?). Hark, it is a new beginning for the Royals. A chance to shake off the caricatures of the past and, instead, adopt a ‘normal’ sort of life. An everyman existence consisting of castles, massive purses and designer clothing.

Is Kate (I refuse to call her Katherine or Catherine) the brunette Diana? For those who watched the romantic journey that was the Will and Kate tele movie, we know, first hand, that this Kate is no Diana. She is a woman with her own mind, her own style and her own tantrums (remember Will’s birthday party, tisk tisk). She is a commoner. Which really means that she’s poor in the eyes of the ridiculously wealthy and well connected. In reality, where we all happily live, one can only assume that Kate is a proud member of the Upper Class, those well-to-to families who can afford a college education at princely schools.Imagine for a minute if Wills had married a Liverpoolian or maid. How spectacular! A true rags to princess kinda tale. But for today, for the rest of todays, we will have to be content with gasping slightly at the fact that he is marrying a rich commoner.

I am not a royal wedding critic but a huge romantic. It’s a big day for all of us, living vicariously through the Royals. We can only guess at what is on the reception’s menu and whether you have a choice of chicken or fish, lobster or wild swan, quail or Toad in the Hole. For dessert, perhaps they will dine on Spotted Dick (don’t laugh), Eton Mess (appropriate!) or a cherry Bakewell tart. Or ice cream? It is a ‘modern’ wedding after all.

And the wedding waltz? Perhaps Two Princes by Spin Doctors, The Grand Old Duke of York, Love Story by Taylor Swift, I’m a Pirate, You’re a Princess by PlayRadioPlay!, Dancing Queen by ABBA, God Save the Queen by the Sex Pistols, My Name is Prince by Prince, I Just Can’t Wait to be King from ‘The Lion King’. Oooo I like the last one, IN YOUR FACE CHARLIE BOY!

As we draw near to our destination on the good ship Bandwagon, I thank you, most royally, for joining me on this journey into the bowels of royalty. It’s been dark, a little messy but a relief to finally be expelled into the light. Yes, the wedding is only a few hours away now. Enjoy the last moments of our Will’s final single days. May they be forever gone! Long live the future King!

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